


Without You Things Go Hazy

by xLoveMx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 103 - Freeform, Widojest - Freeform, comes with a box of tissues, this is painful you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25669306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xLoveMx/pseuds/xLoveMx
Summary: Names are a precious thing on an island that takes your memories.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 115





	Without You Things Go Hazy

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I fully intended this to be a "let me write the watch we didn't get" ficlet, and then my brain went  
> "WHAT IF WE MAKE IT ANGSTY?!" so here we go.

„Caleb?“

He’d seen her scoot closer in his peripheral vision, his eyes still firmly trained on his spell book. She had been quiet, and he still wished he’d been able to help her a little more back then, but at least his spell had put a smile back on her face, even if only for a little while.

“Ja, Jester?” A smaller version of her, dancing around, floated by them, and he caught another smile on her lips before it faded. “That spell is beautiful, thank you.” She whispered, eyes staying trained on all the memories for a moment before she turned her attention back to him. “And...I’m sorry I was such a downer,”

Feeling his chest tighten a little, Caleb shook his head, closing the spell book in his lap and putting it aside. “Don’t apologize, really. This is...a lot for you, and you’re allowed to be upset. It’s...worse if you keep it in, trust me.” That was something he definitely had experience in, and even though it was hard to talk about the things he’d been through, and what they did to him on a daily basis, it felt good to know he had people on his side, people who were willing to go through hell with him if he asked. Probably even if he didn’t.

“I...know, but still. I was so wrapped up in everything, I even forgot to ask you about the necklace,” She pointed vaguely into the direction of his chest. “You gave that up...for me. You shouldn’t have. It protected you,” The pained expression on her face made Caleb’s chest tighten even more, and he quickly shook his head again.

“It did, but...if Trent and the others want to find me, they know I am with you guys. The amulet only protected _me_ from being found or looked in on. He could have checked in on any of you guys,” Jester scrunched up her face again, so he was quick to add, “I trust you, and I know you guys would protect me, besides: I can’t run forever.”

It was something he’d been turning over in his head lately, because when Trent had seen him again he had been so casual about everything, almost as if he had wanted to make him believe that things had never been as bad as he had remembered, and for a short moment Caleb had believed him.

_Bren had, too._

But seeing his friends’ reaction to his former teacher had convinced him that this was, yet again, another play of Trent to mess with his mind.

“We’ll protect you, and if you just say the word, we’ll chop him up into tiny little pieces and feed him to the dragon turtle.” There was the hint of a smile tugging on her lips, and Caleb found himself mirroring it, only slightly faltering when Jester reached out to squeeze his hand.

“I’ll keep that in mind,”

Glancing down at their hands, he felt his heart miss a beat, while her attention was drawn to the book he’d been reading. They were going to fight a very powerful creature soon, and Caleb had been trying to figure out the best way to go about it, especially with his fire magic not being very helpful under water.

“Are you staying up a little?” Jester asked, and he nodded, still slightly distracted by the warmth of her fingers enclosed around his own. “Can I stay here?”

For a moment he was confused, looking around the dome. It wasn’t like he was going to kick her out, and there was definitely enough room for her to curl up next to Veth or maybe even Yasha, like she usually did, but he nodded anyway.

With a smile, Jester let go of his hand for a moment, curling up next to him, her head resting in his lap. Caleb could feel his cheeks heating up all of a sudden, his heart missing more than one beat before beginning to beat rapidly against his ribcage.

_Oh._

Picking up his book quickly, Caleb flipped to the page he had last been reading, trying to concentrate on anything other than Jester in his lap. It took him a minute, but eventually his heartbeat slowed down, though his entire body was still warm, and his cheeks were still tinted red. Jester’s lips were still curved into a smile, and a strand of hair had fallen into her face, so Caleb reached out to brush it away almost absent minded, getting a soft hum in response. For a moment he froze, not really sure what to do, but when Jester began wriggling a little, arching her head into his touch, he chuckled softly and then kept running his fingers through her hair.

“Good night, Caleb.” She eventually muttered, and he reveled in the warmth that spread across his chest for a moment.

“Good night, Jester.”

-

When he awoke the next day, something was off. He was still in the same position he had fallen asleep him, his back against the dome, but his head was pounding as if he’d been drinking too much last night, which he definitely hadn’t. Blinking his eyes fully open he looked around the dome, but everyone else seemed to still be fast asleep.

Someone...Caduceus? Was snoring loudly and someone else...maybe Nott? No...Veth, had her face buried deep into the pillow in an attempt to escape it. Then there was someone in his lap, still fast asleep, but blinking by the time he had fully willed himself awake.

She was beautiful with her half-lidded eyes and slightly crooked smile as she glanced up at him, and he knew that there was a reason she was curled up next to him. One that went beyond necessary sleeping arrangements in this dome.

“Good morning, Caleb.” She chuckled, stretching her legs and arms ever so slightly and he could feel his heart missing a beat.

_Caleb._ That was his name, wasn’t it? It felt like it should be, anyways. Much like it felt as if she meant something to him. Something that went deeper than the friendship he felt for the rest of these people. Something that made his heart beat faster in his chest.

“Did you sleep well?”

He should have known her name, he was well aware of that, but the pounding headache made it hard to remember anything too clearly. It came with a slightly unsettling feeling in his stomach as he roamed his memory for a name he had clearly spoken many times during the last year. A name that was familiar to him, that made his lips curve into a smile.

“Are you okay?” She must have noticed the discomfort, or at least the confusion on his face, so he attempted a smile, and before he could even say anything, a name flashed in front of his eyes, and his smile became more genuine.

_“Astrid.”_

There was something about that name that tugged on his heartstrings, almost the same way it did as he watched her entire face fall. He had felt his own heart break, and somehow, he knew that he must have worn a similar expression on his face then. Something was pulling on his mind, an explanation as to why she was looking at him that way, but the moment he thought he could get a hold of it, she sat up, turning away from him.

“Everyone, wake up. Who doesn’t remember who they are?” She was talking too fast, stumbling over her own words as she reached out to shake their friends awake. “Caduceus, you have to take care of Caleb.”

She wasn’t looking at him, instead he was met with the still sleep heavy eyes of their friend, who had his head cocked to the side ever so slightly. He wanted to reach out for her again, but she was out of his grasp, and instead another hand settled onto his arm. He could feel a warmth spreading through him for a moment as he watched the red-haired woman across the dome rest her hand on...Yasha’s arm?

It all came back to him at once then, and Caleb instantly felt as if he was going to throw up.

“Jester,” He noticed her flinch where she was sitting, hands on Fjord’s chest, but she didn’t turn to look at him.

“We should get going, we need to end this, now.” She then spoke again, but it was directed at everyone and even as she stood, her gaze avoided him.

_Jester._

He watched her step out of the dome then, while everyone else gathered their things, and his chest tightened to a point where it was getting hard to breathe. It was a familiar feeling, but he had never connected it to her before.

_Jester._

The name repeated in his head over and over again, like a cruel reminder of what he had known all along: He didn’t deserve her.

_Jester._

Because oh, how could he ever forget?

**Author's Note:**

> I could legitimately hear Matt's voice in my head as he described that Caleb should remember that name and then told him that is was Astrid...  
> Ouch.


End file.
